Its taken me a long time to finish this post, or truthfully even write it. My original plan was to have another post in between Simply a Spark and this one; however, after God worked his way into last weeks post I almost wanted to leave it there. After posting Simply a Spark, I felt finished. Completely. As if all the weight of this story had been lifted, all the words had been typed, all the reflecting had been done. I looked at my index card with a list of 7 post topics and I felt as if number six had already been expressed, that I’d already reached the most current point I could in this series.
When I started this project I knew that it was going to be difficult, I knew that it was going to be a process. I knew that it could easily be a beautiful experience of growing closer to God, or it could be a completely gutting experience full of spiritual battles, doubt, and pain. In the end, it turned out to be another transformative experience in my life. Another defining part of my story.
This project has been so healing and freeing, I have received something great out of each week. I have learned more about myself than I thought possible in a short 6 weeks and I have learned more about the people I chose to share it with. Each person who was faithfully reading, commenting, and sharing their thoughts and impressions with me throughout this process has been a blessing, and each person has revealed to me bits of their character that I hadn’t realized I didn’t know yet. There have been moments of doubt; that ugly whisper of the enemy, that came in full, breath taking force following the moment I pressed post each week. There have been moments where I have wanted to simply walk away, put these stories back on the shelf for another year or two, believing it would be so much easier to live in fear of my own story than to share those pages with another person.
Writing something personal is gutting enough, pulling at the most secret parts of yourself and deciding which ones to put on the page is soul shaking work. It aches and its messy and its exhausting, but its so worth it. I feel like I have just shed a back breaking weight that I have been stubbornly adding to and dragging around for years. By opening up, letting God in, and letting all of this out I have put something good into the world in the name of Jesus and I have truthfully grown closer to Him. He has revealed to me, through this process, some of the work He has been doing in my life and in the world around me. Things I would not have seen had I not dove into this process and in turn, pulled closer to God.
And now I am left with the final question, the only one left to answer before I move onto other stories, other projects, other inspirations ….
Truthfully, I don’t really know. There are so many things that God has impressed upon my heart. He has been speaking inspirations into my heart since long before this project started, and hasn’t stopped during it. These are things that I have not dared to utter out loud. Goals and dreams that are so far fetched, so far from who I feel I am, so far from who I know myself to be. They are huge goals. Big scary dreams that I’m scared to admit I want to pursue and am almost too scared to think of saying here. I will share them here, when and if they become realities or lessons in my life, but not yet.
There are lots of smaller, more tangible things in the works as well. I can tell you that since I started writing these posts, I truthfully haven’t stopped writing. Sunday morning worship is the most incredible time of inspiration for me, and over the past 6 weeks I have turned out bits and pieces of poems, stories and posts that I hope to complete and share here and in service in the future. I have hopes of sharing some of the things God has been teaching me through study, circumstance and Sunday services as well. I also have hopes of writing some book reviews and recommendations for you. I have a few offline projects to do with gratitude and creativity that I am dreaming up as I type. Mostly though, I just hope to keep listening, to keep recognizing God at work in this beautiful life He has given me, and to keep finding the words to share it.
I am almost scared to say it, but I have the distinct feeling that this is not quite the resolution I felt it would be, but rather a humble beginning…