I’ve been in a weird place lately; a lot of difficult things have been happening in my life and in the lives of a lot of people I care for and while it’s never easy to admit, I’m overwhelmed by it all. I’m feeling out of control and broken and incredibly anxious. I’ve been sleeping really heavy when I sleep, which truthfully is way more than usual, but there have also been plenty of sleepless nights.
I find, as you could perhaps relate, that I’m incredibly vulnerable to destructive thoughts during these lonely, sleepless nights. As a teen, I spent many of these tearing myself apart and using the uninterrupted time to convince myself how unworthy, undeserving, broken, and useless I must be. Since that time, I’ve grown a lot and thankfully come to know Jesus in such a way that I know there’s a better place to turn.
I’ve learned its often true that the only way to counter the destruction caused by those lonely sleepless nights is to let the Creator in; if there is anyone who can survey that emotional wreckage and find a way to fit the pieces back into a whole, its Him.
I’ve spent a lot of time with my headphones in, these past few weeks, listening to songs that glorify Him. Music that praises and worships Him, reminds of His goodness, kindness, and gentleness but also that which reminds of His power, His strength…His ability to tear down or build back up, to satisfy. I’ve been listening to words that remind me of who He is, praising Him out of true desire some nights and others out of preference for creation over destruction on others.
And through it all, a quiet breaking and mending and breaking and mending has taken place somewhere within this ache of mine.
He is greater than all of the chaos, all of the difficult things that keep us up breathless and heartbroken in the night.
I want to share this song with you…Soul Cry by Misty Edwards…its been on repeat in my world for a week or so now and it has left me, to use a term from the lyrics, so incredibly love-sick for Jesus.
My soul cries…